This morning as I walked around my home, everyone else was sleeping. I took a minute to reflect on the beauty of this place and also how with each phase of this current season, it is becoming less and less our own, as we prepare to sell it and move to Oklahoma. Yes, we are moving to Oklahoma. Every time I say that, my heart squeals with delight at the thought of getting back to the south, and then a second later it aches with the reality of leaving behind all that we have built and invested in up here for the last 7 or 8 years. And one of the hardest things is to leave our Jubilee home.
As I wrote a few weeks ago, God gave us this beautiful home during a year He called Jubilee. This home was such an extravagant gift, and then came the moment about a month ago when He asked me to let it go. He is gracious and kind to me, and He quickly showed me, even in the letting go of the Jubilee house the Jubilee blessing would continue. What a comfort that was because honestly, at first, I wondered what I’d done wrong. I felt like deciding to move would seem as if we are ungrateful for this home. Then I had a moment with God and He showed me I was wrestling with Him, as I also wrote about a few weeks ago.
Have you seen the picture of Jesus standing in front of a little girl? She’s holding a little teddy bear and He has His hand out and is asking her to give Him the bear. What she doesn’t see is, He has a giant teddy bear behind His back and He’s just waiting for her to give Him the little one so she can hold the big one He wants to give her.
Well, that’s what this season is like for me. I can feel it in my bones, He’s about to lavish something really great upon us, but I still have to go through the process of letting go.
I’ve asked God repeatedly what our plan for the next home should be because we have a few options. His response, “You’ll know once you’ve sold this house.” His loving kindness wrapped in a sense of humor makes me laugh. But also brings me comfort.
It’s not like letting go of this house is the only challenge though. I am also letting go of all the ministry I do here. We are all letting go of this church, our school, friends, familiarity. But something about it seems so safe and timely. I’ve rarely felt more peace.
So, as we take one step at a time, He is leading each one and only giving enough light for the one we are taking. This is a faith building moment.
Did I mention when He first told us we would be moving back south, we immediately hired a painter, ordered carpet and obtained a carpenter to fix up this house. Not only that, but when Chris went to interview for a job we sent a full U-Haul of our things to place in storage in AR. None of these are things I would’ve previously done because I am a generally cautious person, but at the beginning of this season, God spoke to me, “I want to teach you to trust Me in a new way.” This is that new way. Trusting without seeing anything. Living from moment to moment instruction, literally. Every morning, I wake up and ask God what tasks of preparation I should get done that day, and then that’s what I do. I’ve never lived quite this close to a moment to moment situation with Him. At least not for this amount of time and for something so significant, but I’ve been wrapped in such peace.
This morning while walking around and reflecting, I heard “free fall”. Yes, that’s what this feels like. And if He continues to direct me, that’s what I will continue to do. I’ve never been more safe than in this moment.
You call me out and ask me, “Will you trust Me with each moment?” I slowly open up my hands, for I know I do not own it. How can I hold back what was always Yours before mine? What an oddly frightening and peaceful moment relinquishing to Your time. I sing and pray, “I trust You Lord” and now is my time to prove it. I know You are in every moment as we plan on moving. We are not just moving to a new location, but a deeper place with You. How humbling it is to watch as within me You break through.
You are my portion, O Lord; I have promised to obey Your words. I have sought Your face with all my heart; be gracious to me according to Your promise. I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to Your statutes. I will hasten and not delay to obey Your commands. Psalm 119:57-60
You crown the years with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11