Recently, my mom had all our old home videos transferred onto DVD’s so that we could watch them. This was an unexpectedly challenging and hyper-emotional event. As I watched the video’s I was confronted with a few different scenarios. First, I saw so many beloved relatives who are no longer with us, and I felt grief erupt unexpectedly from within my heart. In another scenario, I saw pain in my face during different family interactions, and one particularly wounding one that involved a friend who was over while my dad was making a video. I was modeling a new sweater I had received as a gift, when that friend grabbed my leg and called me fat right during the video, and the next shot of my face was so sad, as you could see the pain and disappointment covering me. In another video, a family member zoomed in on my face and taunted me about zits, which by the way, I was too young to have during said video. It was then that these videos began to really unearth a deep wounded place, once forgotten. I sobbed through much of them.
Later, I began to ask God why it was this year that these DVD’s were created. Of course, I immediately knew that while writing about “deeper”, I would go through so many opportunities for the deep things…..
I am aware that not only will I see deep opportunities, but in turn I will also be asked to share about them openly. This is part of the cost. Being willingly set up to face the things that most people don’t or won’t face. The most delicate places. The places we spend most of our time ignoring or brushing off or compensating for.
Not today though. Today, I face this head-on.
Parts of childhood were very painful for me. Relationships were hard. I felt alone a lot. I felt overlooked, more often, than not. The videos only re-confirmed that. It was like having a glimpse into my blocked-out memories. It was as if God was saying, “Yes, these things did happen. You weren’t making it up.” But not for the purpose of becoming a victim. No, He showed me because it was time to see, forgive, and grow.
Too often people see the past as an excuse for current poor behavior or sadness, but really, it’s an opportunity for change. That’s what powerful and truly free people do. That’s Christ’s freedom.
Take a moment today and ask God to begin to unearth the deep within you. Are there memories you’ve been avoiding? Is there pain that you are aware of, but hide from? Will you risk it today? Will you bring it straight to the Father and allow Him to look at it with you? Will you let Him speak truth to you in your deepest pain? I promise, it will be worth it.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—the Most High, who is my refuge—no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. Psalm 91:1-11