Deeper Day 56: Anguish

Anguish: Severe mental or physical pain or suffering.  To be extremely distressed about something.

Recently, I realized that my emotional struggle right now has become much more intensified.  I find myself warring in the spirit constantly, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.  My prayers have been without ceasing.  I have been presenting my requests to God constantly.  I have been practicing thankfulness and joy.  I have been worshiping no matter how I feel.  I’ve been maintaining a peaceful atmosphere at home for my children.  I have been in the middle of one of the biggest battles of my life, thus far.

Then, one day it hit me….I had come to the point of anguish.  When I heard God speak this word over me, I had two responses.  First, I felt it was absolutely true.  Second, I felt embarrassed because why should I be so dramatic.  Then I remembered Jesus.

Then He said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and keep watch with Me.”  Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me.  Yet not as I will, but as You will.”  Matthew 26:38-39

That moment in Gethsemane, reminded me that He knows how I feel.  He’s not irritated that I’m struggling.  In our day and age, the struggles our family is having are very real.  This is our current struggle, not just the job stuff, but also all the “normal” teenage and preteen things I’ve been walking out with my kids every day.  There is so much.  I cry out for them all day long.  My mind is not only focused and praying over one thing, no, I am waging war on many different fronts, and quite honestly, it leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to be called as an intercessor, but I have to constantly remember that intercessors should remain joyful and be always handing the problems over to God.  I often see it like this, the world hands us a problem and we hand it over to God.  Intercessors are like the “middle-man”.  This is my pleasure, not my burden.

Sometimes though, life is extra.  It’s more than what we expected, and it can cause us to be anguished at times.  That’s ok.  When I heard God speak that word over me, I immediately began to feel lighter.  Sometimes we just need to have our level of discomfort validated.  That’s not wrong.  After that, I took my anguish to the Father.  I laid it before Him and reminded Him of my requests, then I walked away.  I went out looking for joy.  I began to search out the beauty of my moment.  It really grounded me again.  I began to see my kids in a new light and even found laughter again.  All I needed was to be aware of what I was feeling and then to let it go.  Like a balloon floating off to unknown places, I released that anguish to the Father and in turn He lifted my head.

Prayer Moment:  God, I thank You for being the lifter of my head.  I thank You for holding me so closely.  Thank You for not allowing me to wallow, but instead You bring language to things I’m feeling and then help me to release them.  I thank You that You have called me victorious.  You have called me daughter.  You have called me Your bride.  Thank You for loving me.  I give my all to You, both today and forevermore.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”  But You, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One Who lifts my head high.  I call out to the Lord, and He answers me from His holy mountain.  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.  Psalm 3:2-5