This week I was confronted with some unresolved grief that was stored within my heart. I was completely unaware that I had dammed up that place until…
I received an email asking for some information for a former employee of ours. When I read it I began to feel small pangs in my heart. When I reached out to the former employee to confirm it wasn’t a scam email (those are pretty rampant right now) I discovered he was getting a permanent position with the Oil and Gas company that Chris and I used to work for. We were with that company as sub-contracted labor for almost 10 yrs.. The funny thing is, I have zero desire to live in PA again, and Chris has zero desire to have a 9-5 desk job, but this pang still occurred. It took me completely off guard because Chris and I are so happy here and we see and fully acknowledge that God is doing some big things for both of us currently.
Still there was that pang, and after I filled out the form for that employee and sent it in, the tears began to well up in my eyes. Then I heard God say, “You haven’t grieved the loss of that job and that dream yet.” I spoke out loud to Him, “I know.” I texted Chris and said, “I don’t know why but filling out that form was a struggle.”
I immediately went down to the piano and sat in silence for a moment, then I felt led to begin to play and worship to a new song I’ve written. As I played and sang that song, I felt the presence of the Lord consume me and some gentle tears began to flow. I could feel God using the words He’d given me for the song ministering to my own heart. The gravity and beauty of that exchange was definitely not lost on me.
Then Chris facetimed me and as soon as I saw his face and he said, “So it was a struggle to send that form?” And the dam broke. Tears began to flow like a flood. There was no sense trying to hold them back. I was weeping and speaking out all the feelings I was having. Chris just listened quietly and lovingly. Then I said, “I don’t really know what I’m feeling, but I know it’s real.” He replied, “Oh, I can see it’s real from your tears.” During our phone call, I got another call from one of my sisters. I declined the call until Chris and I finished and when I called her back, her first words were, “I want to tell you what I saw when I prayed for Chris last night.” Immediately, I knew God had orchestrated the timing of her call, to bring blessing and comfort to my heart. It was an intense moment where I didn’t need to define my feelings, I simply needed to release them, and this was that moment.
Prayer Moment: Do you ever feel emotions well up from within you, and instead of engaging them and asking God about them, you stuff them back down inside? Today is a great day to ask God to reveal to you any wounds or unresolved grief that you are needlessly carrying. God desires to walk out these things with you. It doesn’t have to take a long time to release these things to Him. If you will just sit into those feelings and speak them to Him and ask Him to move in that deep place, then He will meet you there.
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Shouts of joy and victory resound in the tents of the righteous; “The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things! The Lord’s right hand is lifted high; the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!” Psalm 118:13-16
365 Days in the Presence 