The other day when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, I had a very clear vision. I saw myself sitting in the dirt. I was in the middle of a huge field and my hands were digging in the soil. I knew I was planting seeds. After a minute, I saw myself looking up toward the sun that was beating down on me. I was tired and sweaty as I wiped my brow. Then I heard God speak, “Those who sow in tears, will reap a harvest of joy.”
I have read that verse so many times that the true meaning of what He was saying was lost on me at first, but then a loved one who I confided my vision to reminded me that He was giving me a promise. He was promising me that I WILL have a harvest of joy. It’s not a possibility or a maybe, but it’s a certainty.
After I heard God speak those words in that vision, I also heard Him say, “Stop holding back your tears because they are water for your fields.”
Like a spear through my heart, I knew that somewhere during this walk I’d once again started to hold back my tears because it felt like I had too many of them. Now, God was releasing me into a season of tears. He’s done that before and I am acutely aware of the benefit. Here I am again.
As a person who is a survivor, it can become easy to stop crying because I’m always simply moving forward and looking for the best case scenario. I’m always trying to see a blessing in all things. While these are mostly healthy habits, I can’t deny that at times I need to simply cry. In all honesty, I am very aware that I’m actually in a grieving season. So many things that Chris and I had hoped for seem to be laying around us completely dead. Every day I wake and wonder what tomorrow will look like. God has already told me to just grieve, but I find it so difficult sometimes.
Today, as I sit here alone, I feel an invitation. I see the tears that have accumulated within my heart. They have all but flooded my insides, to the point that I’m crying inside all the time even when I’m smiling on the outside. So, today I will water my fields. I will cry the tears that God will count. The One Who truly cares for me, also cares for my sorrows.
Prayer Moment: God, help me to stop trying to be strong. I know that in the place where my strength ends, Yours begins. Lead me to that place today. Help me to be strong when You ask, but help me to be weak when You invite me to be. I don’t want to stop being vulnerable, and I know that is what’s at stake. So here I am. Me and my mess. Hold me Abba. Hold me tight and don’t let me go. Give me the release that I am so desperate for. I trust You. In Jesus name, Amen.
The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:5-8
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Psalm 126:4-6
365 Days in the Presence 