The other day while exercising, I was listening to Sean Feucht talk about “Let Us Worship”, and I started feeling that pull to something more. Watching the impact he is having, left me feeling like I am completely ineffective. I felt frustrated between my call to lead worship and this season that I’m in where I feel like our transition may never come. I know that’s a lie, but that is a lie that I must wrestle with daily. Our family is at the point of labor and delivery where we can’t really see the end…we can only see the strain of today. That focused place. The place where the labor is so uncomfortable that all our efforts must be focused on attempting to keep living a “normal” life in the midst of it.
No, it’s not as if we are miserable, we are just really uncomfortable. We have a lot of joy in this season, but the underlying sorrow is always there. I have prayed it through. I have asked God to come heal it and remove it. I have looked at it in a lot of different ways, yet it remains. Every once in a while, that sorrow bubbles up to the top and I deal with another layer of grief. It surprises me every time, but it just reveals things that I had yet to discover I needed to deal with.
When I thought of Sean and his worship, I felt that stirring. I really want to share authentic worship. I do not want to be stuck in the church rotation rut ever again….leading worship according to a 20 minute time slot and suffocating restrictions…it’s simply not where God wants me, and I don’t want anything to do with it.
I lead worship nights at my house once a month, and I find so much freedom in that. The Spirit moves so freely and is so intense. I long to share it, yet the group remains so small. Even though I know that small group is exactly where God has me right now, I still long to have a larger community…to move to our forever home and establish a lifelong community. A place where we are truly loved and valued, and where we can freely love others. I have tried to become established in every location we have ever lived, and what I’ve found is that others don’t freely give. I have found people to be guarded and suspicious and to enjoy sabotaging anything new so they can remain as they have always been. Every time I take that to God and ask if I’m causing that, He gently shows me any places where I need to grow…but also, He shows me how I wasn’t able to settle into those places because they weren’t meant to be our home. He kept us slightly unsettled because we were waiting, but waiting isn’t a sedentary thing…waiting is a transforming thing.
Chris and I have been married for 18 years and we’re still waiting to be settled. The only difference is that now we know where we will land. We will land full circle, back in my hometown. I never imagined it, but I am very excited about it.
So, when I saw Sean and had a cacophony of thought cascade into me in a second…He also spoke, “Micro/Macro”. I was so confused. He spoke again, “Micro/Macro”. So, I decided to look it up when I finished running.
Then He showed me that Sean is in his Macro ministry season, but I’m still needing to root into my Micro season. He also showed me that one day those two would converge for me, but that for now I was to continue to dare to live small…focusing within the four walls of my home. Focusing on family…and trusting that even though I’m 45 years old and have been told I’m too old for current worship ministries (which I know is a full out lie)…He will use me when He and I are both ready. The more I root, the further and larger I can grow and fly one day.
This is a good season. This is not a punishment. What He’s really doing is rooting me in identity, value, and character. He is giving me deep roots in character and value, so that I won’t implode and lose it all when He advances me forward.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24
Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for He grants sleep to those He loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. Psalm 127