As a child, my innocence was stolen. Never having had a chance at choice, I wandered through every formative year with a feeling of absolutely zero value. Every life circumstance that I grew up within only served to reinforce this idea.
Opinions? No, I wasn’t allowed to have those. Real feelings and tears? No, “Stop being so emotional,” I was told. A safe place at home, school, or relatives? No, that didn’t exist either.
So, I hid.
It’s amazing to see it so clearly now, but music and words have always been my refuge. I sang songs that had no words but would make me cry…even as a very young child. It seems my heart was determined to find ways to process. I created a world in my imagination. I was descriptive in my inner world. Filled with words and explanations. I dreamed. I saw things that gave me hope, in those dreams.
I was alone, but I wasn’t alone.
Music has been the cry of my heart for my entire life. A refuge. God put something inside of me that couldn’t be taken, and He used that to protect me. To set me apart and give me a way to cope, even in the darkest days.
From the womb, my life was wildly out of control and fear prevailed.
What was innocence? What does it even look like? Well, if it was yanked from my life so young yet others had theirs still, then that must mean I am not worth anything.
Yes, that was my thought process.
Good things are reserved for other people, but I was born with something wrong with me. Something so desperately wrong that I don’t deserve goodness. Something in me is bad.
These are all real thoughts that I once had. These are the thoughts that steered the ship of my life from a very young and tender age, all the way through college and to the age of 26.
But God.
When the power and breath of God comes to breathe over the ashes of what once was, you find something you never dreamed. You see things you’ve never seen. Life becomes brighter. More light.
I am not who I once was. I am restored. I am redeemed. I belong. He is my everything.
Knowing what it is to be bankrupt in life, I treasure every moment with Him. Every word. Every opportunity for further growth and healing.
And like a tender dove, one day, years ago…His purity returned to light on me. I was innocent once again. Only a loving Father would do that. I feel innocent, to this day. Clean. I am holy, because He is holiness in me.
In a life-changing prayer moment, years ago, I saw God’s hand holding my spirit…in His hand it swirled like a ball of beautiful, living light, and He spoke, “What did I say about all things I created? It is good. I said that when I created you too.” Like an eclipse hit the earth in one glorious moment and all that was a lie was exposed by the glaring light of Truth, I knew. I am a wonderfully and fearfully made creation of God. I was created on purpose. I have a purpose. I am whole.
I wonder if you’ve met the God I’m describing.
No matter what your life circumstances have been, they don’t get the final say. We are made to be more than conquerors. More than. We are made to be victorious. These lies and sins don’t get to keep us down, unless we decide to let them.
Rise up!!! Rise up and live!!! God designed the world to make room for exactly who He created you to become.
Arise and shine, beloved one. You are worthy. Called. Chosen.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those He predestined, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified. What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He Who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus Who died- more than that, Who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:28-34
365 Days in the Presence 