Chris and I renewed our vows last week. On the third we celebrated our 20th anniversary, and that same day some friends and family met on our property to witness our renewed commitment to each other. It was a beautiful and intimate time for our little family. The kids were part of everything. They joined us in the wedding party, we did a family dance surprise, they set off a ton of fireworks for us all at the end. It was everything I dreamed, and more.
As we were leading up to this event, I kept feeling myself overcome with the symbolism and beauty of the whole thing. Tears would well up and I’d almost sob. The kids kept talking about how excited they were, and tears would come up and go again, unreleased. Then I began to wonder, why do we hold back our emotions so much?
Of course, I know we don’t want to be led by emotions. But I’m talking about letting others know how much they mean to us. I am also talking about letting our families know exactly what they mean to us.
One thing I’ve worked really hard to do is just that. Letting my husband and children know how deeply I love them, how much I appreciate them, and how special they each are to not only me, but to God.
With all of this in mind, I stopped holding back. I cried multiple times the day of our renewal. I cried during it, as well as my children. I watched my stoic husband break down in tears while telling me how he feels about me, in front of our witnesses. It should be emotional. It’s ok. I’m proud to love him. I’m proud to love my kids. I’m proud to love each friend that I’m really close with. I’m tired of holding that back.
I’m not too much. The world is just too afraid of showing true feelings.
I have decided that from now on I want to let my loved ones know they are loved far more often than I have in the past. And I’ve also decided that the people I feel unsafe around, well, I’ll not feel bad about allowing more distance to come between us. Codependency has held me captive for far too long.
God, please break off my need for approval from those who don’t even care for me. Help me to let those people go. Help me to embrace people that do truly care for me. Teach me to walk in love that is not codependent. Teach me to stop trying to fight for approval from those who have no desire to give it to me. Make me secure in You, and You alone. You are my everything. I adore You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19
365 Days in the Presence 