When I was young, I wondered why I couldn’t ever write anything that didn’t seem “flowery”. I noticed that any time I wanted to release my words in print, something happened and suddenly I had a more poetic way of releasing. I laugh at these words now, because it’s obvious that I was always a writer, but when you are young and insecure, any difference, even one that will later become a solid part of you can seem humiliating.
I think part of this stemmed from a family dynamic that in no way encouraged out of the box thinking or behavior. Therefore, any part of me that was different, felt wrong and embarrassing. This led to a lot of anger in my life. The more you withhold your true self, the angrier you become.
Yet even with this massive hole of insecurity in my life, I couldn’t seem to resist those things that were uniquely me. Like music. And acting. Then writing music and beginning to transition to worship and over time…and many prophetic words and encouragements…I surrendered to writing.
We can’t avoid ourselves forever.
Eventually, the person God created us to become will come bubbling to the surface no matter what. But we do always have the choice to further suppress it or to finally relent.
I truly believe that most of the miserable people we see are the ones who are constantly refusing themselves. The ones who deny what is truly important to their hearts and instead co-opting for what they think others will approve of more.
The world would become much more solid and stable if each of us could simply rest into who God created us to become. I believe if that happened, then we would have no needs because every position would suddenly be filled by the right and anointed person for the job.
Here’s something to consider…nobody knew that my strengths were my strengths…only me and God, at first. Really, it was only God at first and eventually He brought me around…then as I began to stretch slowly into those things, others were drawn to those parts of me. This convinces me that the truly part of ourselves is a natural magnet.
People appreciate others who are displaying their true selves. Not some manufactured, rebellious, inauthentic reproduction of everyone else. No. Their God given identity.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:13-16
365 Days in the Presence 