I remember it like it was yesterday, I stood at the mirror in my bathroom with a knife to my throat. I remember looking at myself and crying and saying, “I hate myself! I hate you!!!” I remember looking straight into my own eyes and seeing nothing good at all looking straight back at me. I pressed the knife a little harder against my throat and thought, “If I do this, I will do it right and won’t fail.”
That’s the last thing I remember before waking up safe in my bed the next morning. There was no sign of the knife that I had just held to my own throat the night before. I didn’t have any idea how I got to bed. As I continued to shake off the grogginess that was over my mind that morning, I realized that God had put me to bed. That He had sent an angel to attend to me and I remembered a promise I had once heard from someone, and also read in the Bible. The thief enters only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came so that they could have life—indeed, so that they could live life to the fullest. John 10:10
I realized that the moment I gave my heart to the King of kings, He placed a protective hedge around me that would not allow the enemy to kill me. My life had been spared by God alone. I rose from bed, called my mom and asked if I could move back home, packed a bag, and left. I drove the 4 hours home to my parent’s home and came into the house and just sat on the floor. I was numb. I had fallen to my lowest point, I had nowhere to go from there. A life of rebellious revelry had led me to this moment of emptiness and I didn’t know how to move forward.
In the days that followed, I began to realize that I needed heart healing and I didn’t even know what I needed healing from, I only knew that I needed it. At my parents church they were just starting a class to train people in Theophostic prayer and I immediately signed up, not really because I wanted to pray with others, but because I knew by signing up I would be able to receive the prayer.
For that season, I had no job and I spent all the time I could at church. I only focused on getting to know God and receiving His healing for my heart.
After only one or two Theophostic prayer sessions, the Lord revealed the “big one” to me. That big life changing moment that had happened that was beyond my control, but none the less had served as a pivot point and unfortunately a compass point in my life. The incident had been so damaging and impossible for me to process as a child, that I had blocked it out of my conscious mind. There it hid, tucked away in the subconscious part of me. It’s presence in my heart and mind kept hindering me from truly growing and becoming the me that God intended. No matter how much I had tried to change and grow as a younger person, I had been incapable and now I realized that it was because I needed this moment in my history to be fully revealed to me and for God to take His place in that memory to bring healing.
When God revealed this incident to me during prayer session, it was excruciating for all the people in my group. Partly because they were not allowed to hug and comfort me…not out of unkindness, but rather so God alone would come and comfort me and fill me and tell me THE truth. Sometimes, I imagine the grief and sadness that those in the room with me felt as they watched the curtain in my mind rise as the Lord very gently and mercifully showed me the sin committed against me. In His great mercy, many details were not shown, simply because they were unnecessary, but I knew all that needed to be known in order for healing to occur. I love how God, in His unfathomable mercy, can show me something terrible and still wrap it so tightly in His love that I am not destroyed, but rather leave feeling His love stronger and more certainly than I ever had previously.
This was the new pivot point in my life. The moment when I began to truly live! The moment when the enemy lost the luxury of having a hiding place in my heart and mind. God began to restore my mind that day.
Take a moment and ask God if there is any hidden pain in your heart. Give Him permission, if you will, to show you anything that is blocking your heart from fully receiving His love and healing and freedom. Have you been sinned against? Is there any part of your heart that you have kept closed and out of His view? I promise that you will not regret letting Him tenderly remove the band-aid and begin to bring His light to your wound. Part of learning to live in His Presence is to make our whole heart available to Him. There is no pain so great that our loving Father can’t heal. There is no mind that He cannot renew.
I know this may be a difficult day for you to walk through, but it’s also exciting because once you allow God to have unhindered access to ALL of our heart, then you can truly begin to be formed into a new creation!
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the old skins would burst from the pressure, spilling the wine and ruining the skins. New wine is stored in new wineskins so that both are preserved. Matthew 9:17