I don’t know if I’ve ever written about loneliness, but regardless, today I am. Several people have spoken to me about feeling lonely lately and as a person who has walked through lonely seasons, I know God can speak through me about this subject. The sources of greatest pain or struggle become our most powerful healing voice if we let them.
When I was in college, I found myself 23 and divorced. I had never considered that I would be divorced, ever. I was pretty convinced no man would ever be interested in me again because of my baggage. So much shame accompanied that, but loneliness was way worse. In fact, it was loneliness that propelled me from one bad situation to the next for a season. It was during this time that I realized loneliness is a spirit, and that spirit had attached itself to me.
No matter where I went during that time, I felt a loneliness that was so intense I felt it physically. Whether in a group or alone, it was there. Like a suffocating mask over my face and heart it tried to take my very breath. Even talking about it now, I can really remember exactly how it felt before I became free.
The loneliness was so intense that when I would go to my house (I lived alone) I would instantly feel so completely and breath takingly lonely I would most often find any excuse to leave immediately again. When I stayed at the house I would never be able to leave it quiet. I required constant noise to be able to stand being there. It was like my own prison. And the worst part was…..the prison was inside of me so escaping it felt impossible.
I have made some very bad choices in my past. I will never deny that. I was reaping what I had sown in so many ways. In other ways, I was so wounded, I didn’t know any other way to behave…..and only God knew that. But nobody deserves to be plagued by any ungodly spirit. Especially loneliness.
After a time, I took a job as a church secretary. I realize now that was part of God wooing me back to Himself. It was the first time in my life I had realized that God had provided for me. I had just begun going to church and found a body that I seemed to enjoy. I needed a job and one Sunday I saw an advertisement in the bulletin for a secretary. I somehow knew that job would be mine. I believe that job was crucial in saving my life. They loved me so well. The pastor’s wife was one of the first people in my life that made me feel unconditional love. But still the loneliness was there. (My parents have loved me unconditionally, but at that point I couldn’t receive it from them)
Many days with the heaviness on my chest, I would sneak off into the sanctuary and sit in the quiet with all the lights off and just beg God to help me. I still didn’t know Him well back then, but I knew He could rescue me and that’s what I needed. I cried so many tears. I tried so hard to be good, but that loneliness would push me to one bad relationship after another. I just couldn’t shake it.
In the middle of this struggle, was the night I almost killed myself. And it was during the following heart healing process that I fully realized what loneliness was doing to me. And then, one day…..it was gone. Whatever place of wounding in my heart had given it footing, was healed and it could no longer stay. This is my reality. This is what I’ve learned. If you struggle with loneliness, depression, anxiety….then I truly believe that is a good indicator that you have a wound in your heart that God wants to heal.
In the enemy’s effort to destroy us, he often gives us really good indicators of where we need Jesus to move in our hearts. God wanted to become my Constant Companion, and He used all that turmoil to draw me to Him. To draw me to healing. He works all things together for our good. I can count on Him, every time.
I wonder, do you struggle with loneliness, depression, or anxiety? I have honestly been freed of all three and it was because of Jesus, alone. In three separate occasions He came into my heart and mind and delivered me from those things. One at a time. If you struggle with any or all of those, or something else, I challenge you to bring it before the Throne this morning. Show it to God, and ask Him to show you if there is anything in your heart that has given footing to those things. Do you have a long hidden wound that is giving voice to fear? Do you have hurt that has become depression? Do you have disappointment that has grown into anxiety? Today is the day you can be free!
God, thank You for delivering me from loneliness, depression and anxiety. I know You alone are the answer. Thank You for being my Constant Companion. God, right now I pray that You would show anyone reading this, if they are being held captive by anything. And God, in Your loving kindness, please gently remove the band-aid from their heart and breathe Your healing into them. In Jesus name, Amen.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7