Deeper Day 179: Numb

Yesterday I was traveling and had 8 hours of time to think. When I pressed in a little and asked God to speak to me, what I heard kind of shocked me.

“You’ve stopped allowing yourself to feel excited. You’re numb”, I heard the Voice of Love speak.

Immediately, I knew it was true. After feeling excitement and joyful anticipation for many different situations, and then having those things fall through, had led me to be afraid of truly being excited. Like a gray cloud over my life, there hangs this fear of being disappointed. Even as I write those words “fear of disappoint” I feel a deep sadness.

When we knowingly or unknowingly allow ourselves to fall into a trap like this, it’s inevitably those closest to us that suffer the most. I have definitely been reserved and weighed down more than usual. I don’t mean to be, and I didn’t realize it until now, but this is the root.

Our family has been through so much. We are still going through so much. But this fear of disappointment makes it hard for me to even truly celebrate the good things God has done, and He has certainly done a lot. Even recently, when God sent a major breakthrough our way, my immediate response was a very conservative excitement. Then the next morning I woke up feeling anxiety and wondering if it was all actually true. I had to center my heart and mind on the fact that the goodness had actually happened.

Fear of disappointment is like a weight over each day and I have to fight it off constantly so I can embrace all the goodness. I shouldn’t have to fight this constant battle though.

The enemy is using this battle to keep me burdened and to attempt to steal my joy. He’s using it to make me feel like we’ll never get past all of this, but that’s not what God says. His voice keeps saying, “The best is yet to come”. His word over this year for our family is thrive, and in so many ways I have seen that happen. So, as we continue to walk out each day, I lean on that word to remind myself that God holds all our outcomes in His hands. He is present.

Prayer Moment: I realize now that so much of the unrest occurring in America comes from this exact same spirit. The spirit of disappointment. This causes us to think things won’t ever get better and it makes it so that no amount of resolution will ever be enough. Honestly, it’s because the void everyone is trying to fill, is one that only God can fill. He is the only answer. He’s not the weak choice, He’s the strong decision. If you too are struggling with this fear, I encourage you to go before God this morning and just sit in gratitude for all He’s done. Simply sit in His presence and ask Him to cover you with truth.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise. Isaiah 43:18-21

As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man. Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man. Proverbs 27:19-20