I woke up this morning and was almost instantly in a vision….

I saw myself in the water.  I was peacefully floating around when suddenly I was aware that God was near.  I reached out to grab hold of Him, but He was just outside of my reach.  Frustrated, I reached out again.   I never could quite reach Him and in the end, I had a sinking feeling inside, “I will never get where I’m trying to go.”

It was then that I realized the whole point of the encounter…..That final statement I had made revealed a deep seated lie that I truly felt inside.  This lie has been a stumbling block for me.  It’s been a place of major discouragement.  Before I even begin the next leg of my journey, I feel ultimately it will end in defeat.  In my heart, I truly have believed that, try as I might I will never step into the fullness that God has planned for me.  And to top it all off, somewhere inside I believed it was my fault.

There’s a deeper part of this too though…..somewhere in the very deepest of places within my heart, I believed God kept moving the bar so that I couldn’t reach Him.

Now, that’s being super honest and real.

You can never defeat a lie until you completely unearth its origin.  You must pull out all its roots and sever all its ties.

What’s next for me?  You may be asking.

Well, first I thanked God for revealing this belief to me.  I admitted that in my heart, that was truly how I felt, and now I have given Him full access to transform my mind to be in alignment with what He says about me.  I know it will be a process, but I have and will continue to make myself willing to be changed.

Prayer Moment:  Do you have that feeling of reaching and never achieving?  Are you working your way into the Father’s good graces?  I have news for you, He has already done all the work, you only need to receive.  I encourage you today to bring your heart to God in a posture of receiving.  He gives good gifts.

 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2

Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.”  But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.”  Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree.”—So that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith.  Galatians 3:11-14

I mentioned briefly yesterday that seeing videos of deceased family members was so painful, but it was really one, in particular, that impacted me the most.

Grandmother….

I was so close to my Grandmother.  I knew I was favored by her my whole life.  She’s the first person whom I remember being favored by.  I knew her home was always going to be a refuge for me.  It was my safe place.  It’s where I wanted to be when I needed comforting.  Her lap is where I wanted to sit, even as I grew older, to have her rock me.  So much grief comes to the surface when I even just type about it.  I was closer to her than any other living person.

It seemed like she was always thinking of me.  When I was in college and kept all my family at a distance, she called and said she’d gotten an Old Navy card just so I could buy some decent clothes.  You see, I had nothing during my college years.  My wardrobe was largely thrift store items and hand me downs.  I knew nothing of fashion and barely knew how to take care of myself.  I had no value.  So, when she called and said, “Go buy yourself some clothes.”  It felt like a kind of love I had yet to experience.  It felt extravagant.  Then a few weeks or a month later, she’d call again and say, “Go get yourself some more.”  Mind you, I was only spending about $50 each time, but to me during college days…..that was like having hundreds.  I remember walking around and only looking in the clearance section because I wanted her to be proud of how frugally I’d spent my $50.  I also remember how shocked she was when I told her how many different items I’d obtained for that $50.

She loved me.  I was always certain of that.

The month she died was particularly painful.  First, she had just agreed to travel with me to several different universities so I could audition for their master’s programs.  Second, my life was hanging on by a thread.  It seemed as if all my relationships were in a shambles, and losing my touchstone sent me into a tailspin.

Yesterday while thinking about this, God expanded my view.  He showed me how her death had brought me to the end of myself and the beginning of giving my whole heart to Him.  She certainly didn’t die before her time.  She was 82 years old.  She had lived and loved very well, and she missed my Papa so much.  I knew she was ready.  The thing the enemy wanted to use to destroy me, was what God used to begin to re-make me.  I realized that when she passed, a certain level of earthly comfort also passed away.  The safety she represented in my life was gone and I was left with a void…..a God shaped hole, as it were.  Isn’t it amazing how He moves in our lives?

Prayer Moment:

Take a moment and reflect on the most impacting memory of your life.  What do you see beyond the original pain?  Was God doing something deeper?  Has He used it as a way to make room for Himself in your life?  Now that time has passed, do you realize He was ever-present in that moment?

 

How precious to me are Your thoughts, God!  How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with You.   Psalm 139:17-18

Recently, my mom had all our old home videos transferred onto DVD’s so that we could watch them.  This was an unexpectedly challenging and hyper-emotional event.  As I watched the video’s I was confronted with a few different scenarios.  First, I saw so many beloved relatives who are no longer with us, and I felt grief erupt unexpectedly from within my heart.  In another scenario, I saw pain in my face during different family interactions, and one particularly wounding one that involved a friend who was over while my dad was making a video.  I was modeling a new sweater I had received as a gift, when that friend grabbed my leg and called me fat right during the video, and the next shot of my face was so sad, as you could see the pain and disappointment covering me.  In another video, a family member zoomed in on my face and taunted me about zits, which by the way, I was too young to have during said video.  It was then that these videos began to really unearth a deep wounded place, once forgotten.  I sobbed through much of them.

Later, I began to ask God why it was this year that these DVD’s were created.  Of course, I immediately knew that while writing about “deeper”, I would go through so many opportunities for the deep things…..

I am aware that not only will I see deep opportunities, but in turn I will also be asked to share about them openly. This is part of the cost.  Being willingly set up to face the things that most people don’t or won’t face.  The most delicate places.  The places we spend most of our time ignoring or brushing off or compensating for.

Not today though.  Today, I face this head-on.

Parts of childhood were very painful for me.  Relationships were hard.  I felt alone a lot.  I felt overlooked, more often, than not.  The videos only re-confirmed that.  It was like having a glimpse into my blocked-out memories.  It was as if God was saying, “Yes, these things did happen.  You weren’t making it up.”  But not for the purpose of becoming a victim.  No, He showed me because it was time to see, forgive, and grow.

Too often people see the past as an excuse for current poor behavior or sadness, but really, it’s an opportunity for change.  That’s what powerful and truly free people do.  That’s Christ’s freedom.

Prayer Moment:
Take a moment today and ask God to begin to unearth the deep within you.  Are there memories you’ve been avoiding?  Is there pain that you are aware of, but hide from?  Will you risk it today?  Will you bring it straight to the Father and allow Him to look at it with you?  Will you let Him speak truth to you in your deepest pain?  I promise, it will be worth it.

 

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”  For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.  You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.  A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.  You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked.  Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—the Most High, who is my refuge—no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.  For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.  Psalm 91:1-11

As we wrap up week one of “Deeper”, I was awakened with this vision…..

I was walking in the woods and I saw some leaves stirred by the wind.  When I walked nearer to that place of stirring, I noticed a wooden door with a rope handle on it.  When I pulled on the rope the door opened and I saw that built into the ground was a dwelling.  Without any fear, I began to climb down the ladder that lead into the deep place.  My eyes took a moment to adjust to the darker surroundings, but once they did, I could see what this place contained.  It was my deepest place.  The deep inside of me.  The places of dreams and disappointments and deepest affections.  This room was all the things that, out of survival or self-protection, I had hidden away.  Then I knew, as if a golden sun had suddenly been placed right down into the depths of this space, it’s time to awaken again.

Friend, you too have a hidden place.  What I am asking is, “Will you journey into that deep place with me this year?  Will you give God access to stir you at a level you previously thought was impossible?  The reward?  Well, it far outweighs the risk.  The reward is living alive.  Awakening to who God originally created you to be before you knew how to hide anything.”

Will you allow God to examine your deep place?

I have made my decision, and furthermore, I have boldly decided to share my walk with you.  All I’m asking of you is if in turn you will be open to His gaze upon your own life during this time.

Prayer Moment:

Take a moment and close your eyes and ask God to show your deepest place.  Have you hidden away things in a protected place, just like me?  If so, will you walk down the ladder into that room and allow the Sun to begin to shine on the dusty, long-forgotten shelves?  Will you cooperate with Holy Spirit while we reach into the shelves and pull out old memories and dreams and dust them off to allow the Light of Love to shine anew upon them?  You won’t regret it.

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.  Psalm 139:23-24

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.  Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing.  John 15: 4-5

Lately, my family and I have been walking out some huge walks of faith, and when I make myself vulnerable in this way, I seem to feel so much more deeply.  When a good word comes, I feel like I’m soaring on eagle’s wings.  When a negative word comes, I can feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and it can take a moment to regain my solid footing on the promises again.

For a long time, I felt so guilty about the time spent reeling, but then I realized I’m human.  Being human isn’t an excuse, but it is a fact.  I have a myriad of emotions and feelings, and I can’t expect to maintain full composure all the time.

What’s most interesting is that I’m learning in the times when a negative thing happens and I need to recover, it actually pleases God.  It pleases Him because I am once again choosing Him.  I am again choosing to live a life of faith.  This is no easy task.  He’s well aware of this, and every time I choose to not give in to the ups and downs, I am increasing my faith.

This I know, without faith it is impossible to please God.  Because I am aware of this, I am always seeking out a greater measure of faith.

Think about this for a moment…..without faith it is impossible to please God and the faith we have comes from God.

Have you ever thought that through before?

He gives us what it takes to please Him.  How cool is that?  He LOVES relationship so much.  He is the best Partner.

Prayer Moment:

Ask the Father to show you places where He desires to partner in faith with you.  Is there a place in life that feels particularly stretching or stressful right now?  Invite Him to increase your faith in that area.  Then ask Him to open your spiritual eyes so you can become more aware of Him moving on your behalf.

 

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.  Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.  Psalm 116:1-2

And it is impossible to please God without faith.  Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.  Hebrews 11:6

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.  Hebrews 12:1b-2a

This season of life has been a real stretch for our family.  I keep finding myself fighting off the spirit of anxiety and having to constantly remind myself of what I know to be true.

God is good to me.  He loves me all the time.  He has always and will always provide for me and my family.  His promises never fail, and I can stand upon them in times of trouble and proclaim them right in the face of the enemy and he must flee.

One thought though seems to come most often……

“I know from personal experience that He’s seen me through this before, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that He will do it again.”

This statement has become a banner of hope over my life.  I use it to shut down the lies of the enemy.  I use it to fight off the spirit of anxiety.  I use it to remain hopeful and to be a joy in front of my kids.  I will walk through this season solidly broken before God.

Solid in that, I know Him, and that He will come through.

Broken in that, I will be honest with Him about ALL my feelings and emotions as we walk this out.  But I will not allow my emotions to steer my actions.

Every time I allow my brokenness to draw me to the strength of the Father, it’s a win!

When the enemy comes and makes me feel like I won’t survive this, I say, “Yes that may be true, but God can, so I will allow His strength to infuse my weakness and create the strength I need for today.” That is a victory!!

Because I’ve spent years building a history with the Lord, I have these resources.

Maybe you are wondering, “What do I do if I haven’t built a history like that yet?”  Well, I haven’t always had it either, so before I had my own history, I leaned on what I knew He’d done for others.  I leaned on what I read about Him doing in scripture.  You can find history to lean on until you build your own.  Scripture says we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.  You never know who may need the strength of your testimony so they can get through today.  We should never hide our testimony.  Never.

Prayer Moment:

Take some time today and reflect on your history with God.  What has He already seen you through that gives you the evidence that He will see you through whatever it is you are going through today?  Remind your soul of His victories in your life.  Remind your soul that God is good.  Thank God for all the things He’s done for you and thank Him in advance for how He will see you through your current circumstances.  If you’re in a season of rest and peace right now and don’t need His strength for anything in particular, then take this time to reflect and just thank Him for past victories anyways.  You can never thank Him too much!  Isn’t He a good, good God?!

 

And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.  And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die. Revelation 12:11

Each time He said, “My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

God has been digging down so deep in my heart, especially over the last month.  Digging up much of what I thought was true and replacing it with all He knows.  The only real Truth.

Our lives will all come to this point, at least once.  The point where we so desperately need to be steeped in the truth, that God will deconstruct all we thought was solid and unearth our true Foundation.  He will reveal His true self to those who are willing to see Him.  God is so much nicer than I used to believe He was.  When I was younger, I saw Him as overly authoritarian.  Demanding my surrender and immediate obedience.  I imagined He was nearly always displeased with me.  I couldn’t imagine Him having graciousness toward me.  But the truth is all of that was a lie.  He really IS that good.  He doesn’t demand, He invites.  He delights over us, which is the opposite of displeasure.  His grace has no end.  His mercies are new every morning.

Here’s what else I’ve discovered, the more I find the true nature of God, the more able I am to love others.  Even those who are unloving to me.  As I have realized more and more of the depths of His grace over my life, I’ve been more willing to extend that same grace over others.

Don’t forget, you can’t give what you don’t have.

Until I received for myself, I couldn’t give….at least not in a healthy way.

Will you let Him dig down deep within your heart today?  Will you allow Him to pull out any weeds of distrust and half-truths that have begun to grow in the garden of your heart?

Prayer Moment:

Lord, I want to be free in You.  I want to know Your heart, and let all other things fall away.  I want to be so secure in You and me that all else fades into the background.  Lord, do whatever You need to do to weed out the garden of my heart so that Your eternal seeds can be planted.

 

O Lord, You are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for Your help.  Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord; hear my urgent cry.  I will call to You whenever I’m in trouble, and You will answer me.  Psalm 86:5-7

For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty Savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With His love, He will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.  Zephaniah 3:17

There are moments when God has us walk on the waters with Him, but there are also times when He will pull us under into the deep.  I’ll never forget the first time I saw myself (in a vision) out in the water and God was beckoning me deeper and deeper and suddenly I realized that I could no longer touch the bottom and I felt pulled under.  At first, I struggled and then I realized it was God Who was pulling me past where I could reach, and He was inviting me to trust Him at a deeper level.

You see, all these analogies about the water and going deeper have a double meaning, what God was showing me in that moment years ago, was that He wanted me to give up my control.  I was to let go.  I don’t know about you, but for me giving up control can sometimes feel like drowning and it can seem so scary.  When I talk about going deeper with God, I’m talking about seeking deeper places within His heart, but also deeper areas for me to surrender….to give up control….to admit that because God is God there are parts of Him and ways He moves that I have not yet seen.  There are parts of His presence that can make me feel very uncomfortable, but His peace is always a guide for my life.  He will keep in perfect peace, those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in Him.

When I seek out the Lord in new ways, I don’t use my discomfort as a gauge, rather, I use His peace to protect me.  His Spirit will always bear witness to the things that are truly of Him.  I don’t have to fear being mislead if I remain open to His direction and correction.  For years because of some faulty teaching, I was bound by a religious spirit.  That spirit made me immobile.  I was so afraid of being wrong or doing wrong that I was stuck.  Then as God began to unravel my wrong thinking, He asked me to simply trust Him with childlike faith.  Part of that trusting meant I would trust Him to correct me if I needed it.  So now, all these years later, I am constantly aware and open to His correction.  It’s a much freer and safer way to live.

Prayer Moment:

Spend a moment today and ask God to show you any places in your heart and mind that have embraced a faulty concept of belief.  Any places where you believe something about God that is simply untrue.  Allow His Spirit to wash over even the most deeply seated false truths and half truths that have hidden themselves in your heart.  He desires for us to see Him as He truly is, not how others have told us He is.  He can speak to you Himself.  You can hear His voice.  The Voice of Truth.

 

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:3-4

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  Isaiah 30:21

For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by Him we cry, “Abba, Father.”  The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory.  Romans 8:13-17

I see myself standing in a beautiful field.  Flowers are everywhere and the sun is shining upon me as I twirl around and let my dress sweep around in the beauty and innocence of a little girl who feels fancy for the first time.  I notice my cheek feels warm.  It feels kissed by the sunlight.  Then I notice the silence around me, but from inside I hear a Voice.  Your Voice.  You speak to me from the inside.  Your Voice reverberates throughout my soul.  Your Voice, it comes when I am still.

Many of us look for God to speak in loud and demanding ways.  But from my experience, God’s voice comes from inside of me most of the time.  Christ lives within me. When I gave Jesus residence in my heart it meant I had the Holy Spirit to speak to me from within my heart.

Being still before the Lord is imperative.  Remember Elijah as he heard not the Lord in the wind, earthquake or fire, but in the gentle whisper.

Our lives are so full of noise and distraction, it is more necessary than ever to make room for the stillness.  Make room to let God bring a calm to your mind and your thoughts so you can hear the Voice that’s been speaking to you all along.

He speaks.  All the time, He speaks.  We just aren’t always listening.

Prayer Moment:

Take a moment today and let stillness wash over you.  The day can wait five minutes longer.  Take time right now and become still.  It can feel so awkward at first, but I promise the more you practice this stillness, the easier it will become.  It’s not necessary to fill all the space with busyness.  Close your eyes and just be still.  Ask God to remove all thoughts and emotions you are currently thinking and feeling that are not from Him.  Give Him permission to come closer.  Invite Him to speak to you clearly.  Take a moment longer, breathe Him in.  Feel Him as He wraps you in His love.  Journal any words you hear Him speak so you won’t forget.  Let that love carry you through this day.

 

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.  1 Kings 19:11-13

The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”  Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3:10

Deeper….This word keeps resonating through my mind.  I wake with the thought of it and when I lay down to sleep it still rolls around my heart.

Deeper.

I see myself standing at the edge of the ocean watching the waves roll back and forth.  I can almost hear them beckoning me into the deep.  God is calling my heart, inviting me into something more.  A place where many will never brave, but where much reward is found.  The reward in intimacy.  Of relationship. Of the greater things.  I surrender to that call.

“I am here Lord!  Here I come!!  I trust You.”

God is calling us to something deeper, can you hear it?

With one step I move toward the deep.  One step at a time I go deeper and deeper.  What lies beneath the deep waters?  I truly don’t know, but I DO know the One Who calls, and He is trustworthy.

This year is a year to go deeper than ever before.  To allow God access to the deepest of your heartstrings.  Will you allow Him into the depths of your heart as He draws you further into the depths of His?

Yes, it is a risk.  But it’s one well taken.  Let’s hold hands and walk out together.  I can’t wait to see what we discover of His heart.

Prayer moment:

Take some time and close your eyes.  See yourself at the waters edge.  Do you feel God’s Presence there?  Look out at the horizon and ask God to reveal Himself to you.  Give Him your yes.  If you are willing to journey into the deep, then say to Him now, “God, I surrender to the Deep.  I surrender to a deeper walk with You.  Take me in and teach me Your ways.  My greatest desire is to know You better.”

 

Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life.  I say to God my Rock, “Why have You forgotten me?  Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”  My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42:7-11

This is the confidence we have in approaching God:  that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us- whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of Him.  1 John 5:14-15

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name.  I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever.  For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave.  Psalm 86:11-13